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une vie dans le passé n'est pas une vie tout à fait
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in passe_parfait's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 7th, 2008
11:01 am
i am here.
www.catherinelerer.com

check me out.
Monday, December 17th, 2007
3:58 pm
fucking bitch.

why are people so brutal.

i'm moving to scotland and going to own a farm with sheep and goats and llamas and i'm going to knit for the rest of my life. fuck you, chicago. fuck you.
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
11:21 am
declarations.
since when was catherine ever this happy?










oh right,

NEVER.



even though it's a victory march now, the cold and broken still has it's pangs every once in a while which reminds me that, yes, in fact, this is real.



my birthday is tomorrow.

22.

double ducks and excitement!
Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
11:02 pm
see, saw


vs.



yea. i choose you.

Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
1:52 am
oh life.
yea,

you're a really lucky findCollapse )


.
Monday, July 23rd, 2007
11:04 pm
why does it take me so long to update one entry these days.
Attentive Dreamer



i am curry happy.

one year leases are bold and full of hope.

yea, this much times 2 million.

squared.

come home now, please?



Current Mood: tired
Monday, July 9th, 2007
8:36 pm
hear ye, hear ye with the help of your cochlea ear hairs.
catherine is off the market

is what i was too shy to post to facebook update.

: D

more later.
Friday, July 6th, 2007
11:46 am
i have taken like 3 days to write this and it's really not much of anything at all.
i'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish, a little bit
tower of pisa
whenever i see ya
so please be kind
if i'm a
mess


"and i was like, no, CAB." hahah...

"Thank you for calling Water Tower Place, we close as 6 how can i help you?"
answered with the greeting. how convenient! if only all things were like this.

this man made my life pretty fun for one night, hell for another and mostly hell for every one else apparently. also, he has my hat and i want it back. but not that badly.

10 out of 15 hours of my days as of late. that's, like, a record or something, right? has to be. yea.

i know it's still fresh and green, and it's still lacking a lot of reality, but it's still really exciting. weekends are more now like vacation spots and i know it's not reality in tact, but it's still a part of it. we are taking consirderation for most all actions, reevaluating and calcutating what is really important and what's happening and what needs are to be meet. i am so proud. i want this. i know you do to. please, please, please, take care with this. it means so much.


thank god i still have a best friend : )

amazing!

i found all three. ok. lies. but i tried really hard for the last but gave up.

16 hours.

exclamations ensue.
Sunday, July 1st, 2007
8:53 pm
from highschool, revisited.
EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS = Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot
Cayenne Paris

SOCIALITE ALIAS = Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied = Kit Kat North Highland

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo) = First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of Your Last Name :: C Ler...stupid

ROCK STAR ALIAS = Any Liquid on the Bar + Last Name of Bad-Ass Celeb :: Bailey, um, i don't know celebrities that well.

DIVA ALIAS = Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen :: Chocolate Rice Milk hahah

GIRL DETECTIVE ALIAS = Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Last Went To School :: Kitty Woodward

BARFLY ALIAS = Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Drink :: Cinnamon Life Amaretto

SOAP OPERA ALIAS = Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived :: Francesca Orchard Valley (stupid)

PORN STAR ALIAS = Your first pet's name + your mother's maiden name :: Samantha Eustace. hahah i like that one.

Current Mood: hahahha full
Friday, June 29th, 2007
11:08 am
"i'm leaving you at home next time!" my mother at my father after not having said 4 words all night.
the night began on a sour note, so i guess i should have anticipated all of this.

it began with my panic attack - nothing's right. nothing looks right, nothing fits right. WHY DON'T ANY OF MY CLOTHES FIT. nothing works. i was set on early 90s secretary, but after leaving barney's without either pair of coveted shoes i soon found out no such outfits could be compiled lacking this important Miu Miu ingredient. so onto the next trend, i thought. but wait - we're going to a skate store 2 year anniversary party at a club...at this point, i'm really not thinking about what i am going to look like next to all of these people (no matter what i show up in, i'm going to be odd girl out); i'm focusing on the fact that it's going to be 56 degrees on a night in june and i have been in 65 degree air conditioning all day. so i throw on my trustly black turtle neck and after about eight other outfits and break downs, i finally decide on 50s school girl. mustard, cable-knit, high-waisted, circle skirt, black tights, black Tracy Reese platform/pumps (you know the ones, the 6.5" ones i have to be drunk to wear more than 30 minutes), turtle neck, and rust headband to pull back my straightened hair, full of grease and salt and sweat, the product of my aforementioned anxiety, from my forehead that couldn't take it being touched by these things anymore. i looked twelve and forty-five all at once. i am so uncomfortable in everything.

i took at picture of my gold shell belt on the walk to steph and jeehee's and sent it to someone who i thought would appreciate it. and come to think about it, i still have had no response. much like the rest of the nightCollapse )

Current Mood: generally.
Thursday, June 28th, 2007
1:10 am
< small voice >
I held myself too open, I forgot
that outside not just things exist and animals
fully at ease in themselves, whose eyes
reach from their lives' roundedness no differently
than portraits do from frames; forgot that I
with all I did incessantly crammed
looks into myself; looks, opinion, curiosity.
Who knows: perhaps eyes form in space
and look on everywhere. Ah, only plunged toward you
does my face cease being on display, grows
into you and twines on darkly, endlessly,
into your sheltered heart.

As one puts a handkerchief before pent-in-breath-
no: as one presses it against a wound
out of which the whole of life, in a single gush,
wants to stream, I held you to me: I saw you
turn red from me. How could anyone express
what took place between us? We made up for everything
there was never time for. I matured strangely
in every impulse of unperformed youth,
and you, love, had wildest childhood over my heart.

Memory won't suffice here: from those moments
there must be layers of pure existence
on my being's floor, a precipitate
from that immensely overfilled solution.

For I don't think back; all that I am
stirs me because of you. I don't invent you
at sadly cooled-off places from which
you've gone away; even your not being there
is warm with you and more real and more
than a privation. Longing leads out too often
into vagueness. Why should I cast myself, when,
for all I know, your influence falls on me,
gently, like moonlight on a window seat.


seis horas. no, really.

that's a can of worms i'm too tired to open...

Current Mood: happily exhausted, enthralled
Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
8:21 pm
shift stick
i miss these types of days and nights, filled with grass and setting suns. backyards and frontyards are no where in sight anymore, and i feel like they will not be for quite some time again. why do i feel like most of the fun is over now? the things that are left seem only mandatory and expected. that is if, and only if, i let them be that way, i suppose. but fun just comes at such a price now; it's harder to plan, harder to seek out, and harder to hold on to. i took a tally of acquaintances, and i've never had so many be so far away from me (Top=row 1, chicago, 2 old atlanta, 3 new atlanta and the pattern continues). so how am i supposed to fill my nights with this requested fun (and not so much fun fun as it is company i require) if all the phone calls are long distance? is it so bad to ask for the ease back...?

i suppose it's not a surprise. i always seem to prefer the before or the after. now was never my strong point. however, with interest comes effort. so i've tried setting myself in 'now' gear. it seems to be keeping my toes ever so slightly on the ground with still enough hovering room to keep my natural 'after' tendancies happy. so with this new strategy in gear, i'll try again with hints of hope and promise, but only as long as camping is not involved.


eeeeee.

Monday, June 18th, 2007
7:06 pm
the monkeys are getting married.
Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern



i think answering the "yall" question did me in. oh well. at least i didn't get any midwesterner in me, although i am known to say "beg" sometimes for "bag", but that's only since i've moved to this god-forsaken region.
Friday, June 15th, 2007
3:47 pm
i really feel like i have no life. on my day off, i'd rather go into work.

wtf.
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
9:15 pm
addendum.
this helps to explain and calm the fears i thought i had. i think it's a good thing, right?

To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your own growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream is that you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. Do you feel that people are neglecting your feelings?

Dreaming that you are abandoned, may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream and is part of the healing process of dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood.

To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.
To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life.

but it's still a little creepy i knew what she looked like.

post script:


it's much more challenging to accomplish with only one person
Monday, June 11th, 2007
6:45 pm
avoiding choking has never been more comforting.
It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Somerset Maugham


so we have found a transparent mirror, opened doors, spring-loaded exchanges, ultimately happy-ended penguins in forests.

i found something i lost this weekend. that jolt, shake, and beat that had eluded me for so long that i thought it might never return. it came back alright. full force on a saturday morning through afternoon where i waited, bouncing around apparently, with an anxious mind and body while absent-mindedly folding t-shirts. upon first sights, i was surprised, later impressed, and found delayed compliments slipped in with sangria and jokes. i suppose surprised and impressed are two of the most overwhelming reactions right now. and from those happiness and admiration followed. it almost didn't happen at all, for lack of confidence and supposed mental instability - and on my side, fear and apprehension. it was a tight rope we walked, but masterfully did we grace it's presence. finding familiarity in newness never ceases to thrill. mocking was really twinning and an exercise in mirroring. red-headed sluts are now my new favorite drink: candy shots. breakfast, books, and blues, and shiraz hinted chopsticks have never been more enjoyable - i found myself at a loss when being told about mackerel and eye breaths; i was in awe and my chest showed the results. and even without a proper finale, Heimlichs and turnstiles, doctors and patients will always find themselves welcome. and now, after remnants have been found, wins and losses have been calculated and pros and cons have been scored, i find myself to be not where i want, but knowing what i want. i would not object, no, but i will not promise either. however, scents and cents, solutions and brushes and packs will remain untouched until rightful owners return. and by that, i feel i am making a decision. just remember, you can't go to Hell without changing planes in Atlanta.

good catholic children know their saints. raphael, take care with us. we are what you call all three.

I'm going to start with the flare. I'm leaving the flare in, not because I'm an amateur, no, I know the rules, but I'm leaving the flare in because it's the part i like best . . . full of hope and promise.

the flares took us both by surprise. i am hesitantly happy.


picking out the best was never hard. it was the holding on part that was the challenge.
Thursday, June 7th, 2007
9:13 pm
one for the books.
so this week has seriously been about the best ever, second only to the two weeks that i spent in atlanta. this was more like a sober version of that.

first off, i asked for a raise at work from my measly $8/hr and she just said "yes, sure, it's done" and walked away without letting me finish off with my amount request. but later she pulled me into her office and shut the door (which usually means you'll leave crying) and told me i was getting $10!! and she said she "never does this with anyone" so YAAAY! moneymoney money! i am so worth it, dammit. i mean seriously, it's been a year. (june 19th to be exact) i deserve it.

secondly, i bought a couch!!! finally! my apartment will look one step closer to looking like a) i live in it and b) it should seeing as i live in it. mom paid half for my birthday coming up (yea, it's the beginning of the catherine birthday season where two months ahead mom starts saying, "well, ok, but it's for your birthday." love it mom) and i paid half, which emptied my bank account. but regardless, it's a beauty and exactly what i wantedCollapse ).

thirdly, work is going really well. asshole wyatt's last day was today so no more fighting incessantly with that smelly troll. seriously. he smelled. ines said we fought so much because we secretly love each other, which, sure, that's the case in like middle school, but no: he smells. so him leaving adds to the best week ever count.

fourthly, sales season has begun!! jeehee and nina and i all went to Jake and then Nordstrom where jeehee bought a lovely dress for her birthday and i bought a few things, shown below. and i'm so excited about them. classic and beautiful and i'll always wear and love themCollapse )
. that's how it should be. and so what if my credit card company called my house? oh well... :)

fifthly, i won this amazing instrument called a melodica on ebay for $30! i cannot WAIT to play it. omg. i had one as a kid, which is probably still lying around somewhere, but i couldn't wait for it. so i bought one. and it's puuurdyCollapse ).

and finally, and probably most exciting, mr. jamesCollapse ) himself is coming to visit ME! "45 hours" he said! piano cakes and effen cherry will follow. i will have a sunscreen buddy! YAY!!! i am directing motion pictures in my head, but i'm really trying not to go crazy here. i just know it will be a lot of fun, so that's what i'm excited about.

SO! that's it for the best week ever! check out the visuals.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Monday, June 4th, 2007
8:54 pm
fairly odd.
today was my parents' 24th wedding anniversary. they are now entering a quarter century of being committed to each other. i cannot fathom this. and as i sat reflecting on this, my little eagle stamp lit up with a "1" in a red circle indicating i had new mail. my father's response from my ecard unfolded as follows:

thanks Kitten
we pulled out an old nsync video from the year 2000 to see joey fatone --now on dancing with stars--and i reflected on the fact that nsync is no longer around and all the girls that were screaming for them have moved on too...and that this is the opposite of what a long term relationship should be...more than a passing fad ..one that endures the test of time. may you find this too someday.
love
dad



i feel such deep regret knowing very little about this man. i should fix that probably. soon. maybe. and maybe never.

but seriously, who talks about 'nsync and long term relationships in the same breath?? *lerer sigh*




my mother's wedding shoes.


they still have grass stains from 24 years ago. i refuse to clean them.


caption on back: "Ray and I (sic) on Bob's sailboat
6/83
honeymoon"

makes me think.

Current Mood: nothing some hot tea can't fix
12:35 pm
pointless.
You Belong in Paris

Stylish and expressive, you were meant for Paris.
The art, the fashion, the wine!
Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...
You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.



i don't know why i even bothered taking this. i want to move. a little less than before, but i feel my motivation is increasing. the question is to where?

and i'm all out of my rosemary and olive oil triscuits. shit.
Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
11:05 pm
wow. eerily correct.
Cooking
To dream that you are cooking, signifies your desire desire to influence others in such a way that they will like you or become dependent on you. Alternatively, it represents your nurturing side or wanting to be nurtured. You want to be loved.

Pizza
To see or eat pizza in your dream, represents abundance, choices, and variety. It may also indicate that you are lacking or feeling deprived of something.

Oven
To see a red hot oven in your dream, symbolizes you will be loved by friends and family for your devotion and unselfish nature. Alternatively, it symbolizes the womb. You may be in anticipation or fear of having children. Consider the phrase " a bun in the oven".

...i did talk about not wanting to have kids because of the whole abstaining from alcohol thing, haha, but yes, general anxieties in that region anyway. so weird. my mind blows itself away sometimes.
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